Beta #1

I went in to have my blood drawn this morning, accompanied by my Maddie. Received that wonderful call a few hours later by the nurse. I was told that everything looks great and my first beta level is 599. This is the level of HCG in my body and all I know is, it's a good number and we'll take it!

About an hour later, the doctor called to say, "For the love of peanut butter, keep taking the meds!" Needless to say, he is very well pleased.

This Friday we hope to see the beta levels double then next Friday we find out how many we will be blessed with. Yikes!

Surreal

So here we are close to the end of our IVF cycle #2 and I'm seriously wishing I'd started the blog entry from day one. I was so very unsure about doing a second cycle that it kind of just snuck up on me. Then before I knew it, I was back to getting shots, changing patches and poppin' pills. And still not feeling the urge to blog about it just yet.

I cannot say what helped us finally decide to do it again. A lot of talking, a lot of prayer and a lot of faith. We talked about our future, our finances, my health and everything else we could think of to keep us up at nights. It just made sense to try it one more time. We went in to see the doctor a couple of weeks after the unsuccessful first attempt. He was baffled, but quite confident that eventually it would work. Perfect embryos, perfect hormone level, perfect transfer. However, he did not volunteer to do if for free so that was a chance we had to take. 

We started the medication on June 22nd and it's been mostly uneventful since. Same medications, same staff, same perfect transfer, same goofy conversations under anesthesia. But oddly enough, this cycle has been very different in many ways.

I knew what to expect physically. I knew that the bloating and weight gain was inevitable so I did not fret over this on a daily basis like I did last time. I just pulled out my big jeans again and quit analyzing my growth in the mirror. (I managed to lose 10 pounds in that short time in between cycles and, not knowing whether or not to pursue IVF again, was able to put those jeans away for a very short bit.)

I was also not really into what I was eating. To lose the weight, I ate very good but then once I picked the Estrogen and Progesterone pounds back on, I didn't even think about it. Maybe that was my way of not stressing over things. I ate when I was hungry and I ate what I wanted. It was wonderful!

After the transfer I felt different "things." Instead of ovary cramping, I was experiencing very brief twinges (is that even a word?) and sharpness in the central area. Uterus maybe? And a burning almost like it was sunburned on the inside. I know, I'm a freak.

Mike seemed to be a little more laid back too. And more hopeful that this time would work. We didn't talk about it a lot but let the time tick away. I did some more forum perusing, looking for women experiencing my same uterus manifestations. I even found out that there are several women in my ward that have been battling infertility. Although I don't wish this on anyone, it was nice to know others know my frustrations. Reading on the forums didn't really help or hurt.

One of my favorite new things is that Mike finally gave me my shot for the first time! He did a great job and didn't pass out. He has been giving them to me ever since and I'm so happy that he is making that sacrifice to support me. It is totally and completely out of his comfort zone, but he is managing and I love him so for it!

The biggest different of all....

I had already decided to take a pregnancy test at home before confirming it with blood work in the doctor's office. I was determined to walk into that office this coming Wednesday with a little more control than last time. I wanted to have an idea before the nurse had to break the news over the phone. With a little persuasion, Mike agreed and this morning at 7am, I peed on a stick.

Holy cow!! I think I'm unofficially officially pregnant. We'll confirm Wednesday then it will be another 2 week wait to hear the hearbeat(s). I look forward to it so much. Then after that I think I might be able to slow down and enjoy the ride.

Surreal.

It's ok to be sad.

Welp. It didn’t take. Poor nurse Ashton called this morning with report of a negative pregnancy test. I cried a little then had to get off the phone quickly before it turned into a lot. That wouldn’t have been fair to her.

I was super anxious last night into this morning. Some women voice their experiences with intuition, whether it is good or bad, about getting pregnant. I felt nothing but anxiety. No specific “feeling” about what the outcome would be. I went in to have my blood drawn at about 8:30 with hope but absolutely zero expectations. The nurse called as quickly as she got the results (at about 11:00.) My heart was immediately engulfed with a surge of sadness and it took a little bit to grasp the news, but my sweet, sweet husband was there to give me loves. I’m very glad he was there.

After about 10 minutes, I put on my game face because I needed to go back to work. When I got to work I made sure I told the one person I knew could not keep a secret. My plan worked and so far no one has come in to visit me. And it’s ok because quite frankly I don’t feel like visiting. Tomorrow I will be ready to share whatever it is they need to hear. I did call nurse Ashton back this afternoon and we had a much different phone conversation. I apologized for "leaving" her the way I did and wanted her to know that I think it's awful that she has to make these calls and that I would be just fine. I could tell it broke her heart.

The plus side… although this was not the news I wanted to hear today, it was thankfully not a call that someone I love has been injured or killed. Even as I type I acknowledge that my life has been so very blessed. I have a supportive family that loves me and wants nothing but happiness for me. Yes, I’ve spent a gosh awful amount of money and yes, I will not be holding my sweet little one in the middle of January but what bothers me so much right now is the ridiculous feeling that I’ve let down so many people that I care about. I know it’s so silly but blogs are for honesty, right?

I do not know what the future holds and I will not be making any of those decisions today and probably not even the rest of the week. I will simply let the news sinc in and maybe cry a bit more. I might even go for a really crazy long walk.

To help keep our mouths and minds clean, my mom used to tell us kids that only babies and vacuum cleaners suck. Just for today, Mom, today sucks. Tomorrow it will better because the sun will come up and the birds will sing. 

Half way there.

Today is day 6 of our 11 day wait. So far, so good. I have stopped researching everything I could possibly get my hands on about FETs and implantation. Everyone's symptoms and stories are so different, it is just not helping. I remain calm and collective but it is on my mind more often than not. I don't think or day dream of anything in particular but I do find myself wishing the time would speed up a bit. But then I make myself stop and try to enjoy the moment. Especially if we have a negative result, I want to be able to recall this time of waiting. I don't want it to be just a week of fog.

I spoke with my nurse yesterday regarding medications. I'm about to have to reorder more and wanted a good idea of how much more to order. I was told that I should look forward to another approximately 4 weeks of progesterone shots. This is not so exciting to hear but it's doable. At least it's a light at the end of the tunnel. And if I'm receiving that many shots, it means I'm pregnant! She also mentioned that if I have a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, then on May 20th, I will be 5 weeks pregnant already.

This weekend will FLY by as we are catering to Maddie and her many, many activities of choir club and ballet recitals. There is Mother's Day on Sunday and then we will get through two more days before Wednesday's blood draw. My life could change more so than I can even imagine at this time. I think I have a good grasp on what I will feel with a negative result. Been there, done that. However, I don't think I can comprehend what I might feel if I do become pregnant.

I read a blog the other day about an infertile woman's perspective of Mother's Day. She described how hard it was for her and talked about how bitter she would be. She talked about the years of pain she would suffer on this day and even shared a very sad poem. I felt sorry for her. She had not figured out that she could be a positive influence on so many! She apparently doesn't have 3 step children to give her loves and encouragment on that day. I'm tempted to send her the article I read in April's issue of the Ensign entitled My Search for Motherhood. The article was really nothing that's never been said before but it was inspiring and encouraging. I'll admit I've had strong emotions on Mother's Day for many years. But these emotions are most definately love and appreciation for all of the wonderful mothers in my life, including my own sweet momma. Any negative feelings I have are embarassment for not being able to conceive. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's all too true.

Mother's Day is just another day, but does give us an opportunity to think about and thank those women who have influenced us in a positive way. Yesterday was Nurses' Day and I received a few gifts and an amazing amount of special "birthday" wishes from our Kindergarten kiddos. Ha! They were clueless, but wanted so badly to express their excitement for me. It doesn't really matter what the wishes are and where they come from, but how I choose to let them make me feel.

Transfer Day

Let me introduce you to our two little embryos. I believe the process is to pick out the best looking out of the bunch, the ones with the most potential to implant and grow. They are also able to see cell movement and viability. We were told that these got through the freezing and thawing process perfectly and the doctor even showed us a before and after picture. In the before picture, they were compressed and it reminded me a bit of the hamburger meat I pack in the sealer to prep for freezing. Then you see the after pictures where they look plump and active. In the picture above you can kind of tell where they did a bit of "hatching" or opening the cell a bit to promote burrowing and implantation into the uterus lining. So amazing!

There is also a picture of my uterus with the embryos in it. It's not showing in this entry, but the doctor said it was a perfect placement and he's really happy with the results so far.

We had our appointment at 11:15am yesterday, Friday the 4th. Before we left, I was able to have a light breakfast, complete a couple of loads of laundry, straighten the house a bit, clean my icky bathroom sink and gather books, videos and magazines to help me get through the 2 1/2 days of bed rest. I was also to be drinking a lot of water as the doctor required a full bladder upon transfer. He wanted me to imagine that I was driving down a long stretch of highway and really needed to go to the bathroom. If I could wait for an exit to the next Denny's then that wasn't good enough. He needed me to be so full that I would stop on the side of the road and go right there and then. By the time we got done with registration at around 11:30am, I was ready to stop by the side of the road, I didn't care who saw me!! They finally called us in around 11:45am or so.

This is us after having put on our special gear. I think we will make a fine looking baby. A nurse came in for my vitals and to administer a Motrin and Valium. I think they must have checked my name and date of birth a million times while we were there. Didn't want to give us someone else's babies, huh? We waited a bit longer before Dr.Witz came in to chit chat. That's when he showed us the pictures, went over the process and asked about my bladder. It must have been very important to him! I told him to not press too hard during the scan or we would have a serious problem. I really like Dr.Witz and today he was especially pleasant to visit with. Mike asked him about the process of choosing our two embryos and asked what the odds were of having multiples at this point. I don't know where he came up with the answer but he said about 30% chance of having twins. Part of me thinks it would be nice to have the two and not have to think about going through the process again, but then there are always risks to having multiples and I'm not sure that it's worth the risk. Good thing at this point it is not my choice to make!!

Quicker than expected, I was feeling the affects of the Valium, but it was more of a dizzy and relaxed feeling. I never got sleepy. They took us to the operating room and I was glad Mike was finally able to escort me to a procedure. He was exposed to all the bright lights, machinery and sounds and did great. He was on my good side (I'm deaf in one ear) so he was able to translate what I couldn't hear the doctor saying. It seems that doctors tend to mumble when they are working so intently. Present in the room were a couple of nurses, one intern and the embryologist along with the doctor. They were all so pleasant and smiling. Even when we first walked into the office, the receptionist gave me the "all knowing" smile with a slight shrug of excitement. No words were exchanged between us, she just knew this was our special day. 

After the actual transfer, they let me go to the bathroom finally. RELIEF! Then I rested in the "recovery" room for another 20 minutes. I laid reclined on the way home and Mike has been taking care of me ever since. Bed rest is not for sissies! My back aches and I really, really want to vacuum! The nurse told me that the Prednisone I am to take for 4 days (so that my uterus doesn't reject the embryos) will make me hungry. I had not noticed... until she said something. Then I was like, "I'm starving!" Luckily, to eat, I have to ask Mike to bring me something and I hate imposing so I've refrained from all the extra treats I would have offered myself having been given the opportunity. So far I've texted my loved ones, read a book, watched two movies, talked about the future with my sweet husband, was taught the rules and got whooped at Mancala by Maddie, whooped Maddie at Connect Four (until she figured out my strategy) and came in second at a game of UNO with Maddie and Zack and have probably bugged the living heck out of my poor mother, calling her a thousand times a day. I have Chinese on my pjs, Taco Bell on my pillow, water at my bedside and two wonderful embryos in my womb. 

Now we wait 11 days to see if these embryos come to fruition. It's a sweet life. 

In case you are wondering. I am on day 7 of my progesterone shots and they are really not as bad as I thought they would be. After the first couple of days I was a bit worried as I was forming knots in my derriere. But then after the third day, my sister Melissa gave me the shot with her special technique and I've not had any problems since. I think I'm just getting used the them already. Sure I would rather not have them, but at this point it's mostly an inconvenience really. So see, once again, I fretted over nothing. Silly me.

I don't wanna!

I’m reading a book called The Complete Guide to IVF. It’s very informative, covering all of the phases of the process, different kinds of emotions and how to deal with them and it even covers topics like what’s going on with your embryos behind laboratory doors. Even though I’m about to go through the third phase, I appreciate reading over what I’ve been through and understanding it a bit more.

I just read about a woman who was having IVF and said it was as if she was ‘sitting on the sidelines’ of her life, and watching it go by. This sounds a bit like depression but I don’t think it is. I don’t feel depressed at all but, if anything, I feel hopeful. I feel calmer than I thought I would as well. I’m not chomping at the bit for the next phase to begin.

However, I feel a lack of motivation. I think it’s more of a distraction. I don’t want to go to work (get up early, yuck), I don’t want to cook dinner or even plan dinner for that matter, I don’t want to work on any projects, I don’t even want to go to sleep. I feel like I’m just existing, waiting. I’m not anxious either but my mind is so focused on what is going on in the IVF process that I have a hard time wanting to turn my attention to anything else. There really is nothing more I can do at this time but wait, so my mind tells me to do nothing while I wait. I think my mind plays tricks on me by telling me that I must put everything on hold until I become pregnant. I’m finding it very difficult to lead my normal routine these days. The constant thought that I ‘might be expecting a baby by then’ keeps me from doing all kinds of things. 

** I actually wrote this a few days ago. While it is true, it was only short lived and I am grateful for this. I don't know when or why I broke out of this funk but I did. I am back into the groove here at home. Still happy, still hopeful but also fully aware that life must go on, with positive or negative results, the show must go on. It could also be that I have a count down of 19 school days left then we get to enjoy the summer. Also, transfer is in a couple of days and who can't be excited about that!

A list to ponder.

Who knew that I would be so stressed out over my impending progesterone shots? Ugh.

Not a lot of new has been happening since I posted last. I’ve seen the doctor once and everything appears on course. I will see him again this Friday, start my shots on Sunday and transfer the next Friday. The only thing I’ve noticed different is that I shed a few more tears on occasion. And mostly during times that I wouldn’t normally get upset. For example, at work I don’t usually take negative parent conversations personally. I’m going by district policy and I state the facts. No matter how loving I can be, a parent will chew me out. I brush this off for the most part – it’s not like I’ve never verbally abused the poor messenger. But lately I’ve had to try really hard to keep the tears locked up! So I’m blaming the hormones!

During my online research, I came across a blog written by a woman who has had a heck of a time getting and staying pregnant. She has been through a number of unsuccessful IVF cycles, finally had a baby who is now 2, and is in the process of working on baby number 2. I love reading her stuff because it seems we share a lot of thoughts and feelings. Yesterday she had a blog entry titled Things Your RE Won’t Tell You and proceeded to list some things she has experienced. I loved it! I can relate to a few of these. Some things are hard to hear but the cold hard truth hurts sometimes. I thought it would be fun to share the list with some of my own comments: 

1.  IVF has NO guarantees.  Most of you think this is common sense, but for my hubby and me, we really thought that IVF was some kind of magic cure to our problems. *I’ve not had this misconception. My feelings are quite opposite and I think the possibility of having a positive IVF is surreal.

2.  You will become a druggie!  You will feel like some kind of crackhead before your cycle is over.  I remember “shooting up” in my car in a parking lot.  Trying not to let anyone see me for fear of them thinking I really was some kind of drug addict. I also had to put my needles in one of my hubby’s friend’s refrigerators….the first time I met them! *I too “used” in the car once, waiting to pick up Maddie from ballet. I wondered who would pick up Maddie if I was busted with a needle in my belly?!

3.  Your pants are going to be tight.  Between the bloating and the baseball sized knots in your butt, you may feel like you are already 5 months pregnant. *Finally broke down and bought a few pairs of pants from the Salvation Army. My scrubs won’t go over my waist and hips anymore. Boo!!!

4.  PIO sucks!!!  Progesterone in oil really sucks.  In case you were wondering why you would have “baseball size knots” in your butt…..it’s because of the progesterone shots.  These cruel shots also cause symptoms very similar to pregnancy.  Just another thing for your mind to wonder about. *And this is why I stress.

5.  Giving yourself a shot is really not that bad.  Although the shots aren’t the greatest part of an IVF cycle, they really are not bad.  Many women are very intimidated by this part of the cycle, but looking back it won’t be a big deal at all. *She is obviously speaking of the small subcutaneous shots that go in the belly. Really and truly, those weren’t that bad.

6.  Your first IVF is a “trial run”.  I hate to admit this to the newbies out there, but your first IVF cycle is really a “trial run”.  Your doctor is figuring out how your body responds to the meds, what works best for you, etc.  Don’t take me wrong….there are plenty of lucky first timers out there.  But for most of us, the consecutive cycles are typically more successful. *I’m not even going to think about this! I’m going to hope that I am super lucky. I do get a second shot at it for about half the price, but haven’t decided if I will take advantage of it. One day at a time, right?

7.  Home Pregnancy Tests are evil!!!!!!  If there is any way you can keep yourself away from HPT tests, you will be better off for it.  They are pure evil!  If you test too early you will get a negative that is not likely real, if you test later, you will expect it to be accurate.  But nothing is really final until the blood test.  Also, if you do test…..do not use a digital.  They are more expensive and much less sensitive! *I know my will power and assume at this point that I will crack and buy one to use. However, I do think I’d be better off just waiting the two weeks. I’m really bad at reading into signs and symptoms and will be crushed if I receive a false negative.

8.  You will not be allowed to have sex, lift anything, exercise……..  Ok, your RE will tell you these things ahead of time, just thought I would remind you of all the things that you will not be allowed to do. It’s really not that bad, but it can be a big adjustment.  Not all RE’s require these things, so feel lucky if yours doesn’t.  No matter what your RE requires….take it easy.  You don’t want to have any regrets. *Why is it that when I’m told I cannot exercise, it’s a killer and I’m itching to run, but when I get the go ahead, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “I’m too busy, let’s work out tomorrow.” Mike told me the other day that IVF also stands for I’m Very Frustrated. This from the mouth of a man in the middle of an in-vitro drought. Poor guy!

9.  Suddenly everyone around you will be pregnant.  Throughout your whole infertility journey, you will start to notice every pregnant person anywhere in your vicinity.  Whether it’s a friend, relative or a woman in the mall.  It will seem as if you are the only woman around that is not eating for two.  Feeling jealous or having a hard time being happy for others is normal.  Don’t feel like you are a bad person for this. *I find this most interesting. For me it’s not jealousy or unhappiness. Before I even read this, Mike and I were out on a date and in a crowd of people at a theater, when I leaned over and told him that I spot pregnant women out of nowhere. Crazy that I’m so keen to that observation right now. I even think my neighbor is pregnant although they’ve not mentioned it yet.

10.  The 2 week wait after your transfer will be the longest two weeks of your life!!  That is until you find out you are pregnant and have to wait another 2 weeks to see the heartbeat. *I am no exception to this rule.

11.  You WILL worry through the whole nine months of pregnancy.  There are many milestones that are supposed to ease your mind, but once you have gone through infertility, you will always worry.  Just try to not let the worry take away from the enjoyment of the pregnancy. *I figure it’s taken me so long to get to this point, I might as well slow down, acknowledge the validity and enjoy.

12.  The waiting room at the fertility clinic is the most awkward place.  You would think being in a room full of others like you would make someone feel more comfortable.  But for some reason talking seems to be banned from the waiting room, only looking down at your phone is permitted.  (Maybe this is just my clinic?????)  Never understood why everyone in the waiting room seems so ashamed of being there. *I’ve not experienced this, however, I do sit and wonder about everyone in the room. What point are they in their journey, do they already have a child, how long have they been trying? I’m usually in and out so quick there’s not much time for conversation. But I imagine most people are pretty private.

13.  You will either find yourself lying or telling people about your fertility problems.  Going through IVF is not something that is easy to hide.  You will either find yourself lying to your co-workers about where you are having to go so often…..or you will decide to be open about what is going on.  For us it was a lot easier to just be open.  But I understand that this is not comfortable for some people. *I tried to hide it at first simply because I didn’t want to have to explain why it did not work in the end. I’ve missed so much work I really didn’t have an option. I feel much better having so many friends and family supporting and rooting us on.

14.  You may or may not become an emotional wreck.  Yes you will be on a lot of hormones and that can wreck havoc on your body.  But not all people respond this way.  The drugs have not bothered me too much. In fact the birth control pills gave me more trouble than all the fertility drugs.  If they are messing with you, just try to remind your partner to be patient with you.  You are not always going to be yourself. *I’ve already talked about this. I think I’ve been pretty lucky thus far, but it ain’t over ‘til the bloated lady sings!

15.  The emotional aspects of IVF are much harder than any of the physical part.  Most IVF newbies are a little worried about all the physical aspects of IVF, but in all reality, the mental rollercoaster ride is the hardest thing you will have to overcome. *I definitely second that. It’s almost every day that I experience feelings of joy and excitement one minute, day dreaming of what it will be like, then the very next minute I’m thinking what in the world have I gotten myself into. There’s just way too much thinking going on in my head!

16.  All of the 15 things above will be worth it!!!!!   If you stick it out and are willing to keep working toward a baby, then all these things above will seem like nothing.  The baby you will be holding will make it all worth it.  Looking back on my own journey, all the heartache just seems like a small bump in the road.  Can’t believe after 5 years of trying our little guy is already two! *So they say. And so I hope!!

Taking its toll.

There was a time, around day 7 or 8 of the hormone shots (gonadotropins) that I was pretty much sick of giving myself shots. I remember standing there in my bathroom literally talking myself into going on at least one more night (because tomorrow is always a new day.) But persevered through them and ended up getting great results. So much so that it caused a slight hiccup in the process. My estrogen got too high (7000) and had to level out before putting my ovaries into harm’s way.

Today is probably the most taxing day of IVF so far, and for no particular reason that I can think of. I did get the news that I would need to order more progesterone, but in a different form. This particular medication is compounded so it is not covered by insurance. I was also informed that this type of progesterone will be in the shot form. Since they originally ordered suppositories, I thought I was in the clear, but because this is going to be a FET, I need a stronger dose.

So the plan is to carry on with the estrogen and introduce progesterone 5 days before the transfer. It is my understanding that they are trying to simulate a 2 week pregnancy by the time the eggs are transferred to my uterus. I will have to wait another dreaded 2 weeks to confirm a pregnancy and in the meantime I will continue the progesterone shots.

This will all be worth it... right?

Basketball Team

I tried to stay busy all weekend. It was nerve wracking to think about what had come about in the lab during the weekend. I showed up to my appointment early to beat the traffic. It was crazy how slow the week went by and hard to imagine that I had only had the retrieval Sunday before last.

I saw the doctor in the hallway and he told me we had enough embryos to form a basketball team with rotating players. Eleven little embryos made the cut. Not that I hope to need all 11 but it was nice to know that we have a good amount to use. Mike said we needed to start naming them and Tammy told me she would get started on knitting. Ha! How about we start with two and go from there. The doctor has told us several times that he would only put two in. He explained that three or more would not increase chances of pregnancy, but would only increase chances of multiples. Not only is carrying multiples more risky, but it could take away every ounce of sanity I still have.

Everything looks good on the inside as well. My girlie parts are fresh and ready to prep for carrying a sweet thing. The doctor told me that many women would love to have my ovaries. At 39, I feel that parts of me are already falling apart so him telling me that makes me feel young and energized. Think he did that on purpose?!

I will not be put back on birth control as I initially thought. I started pills last night and applied a patch. Together they will balance my hormones and thicken the lining of my uterus, making a nice comfy spot for a baby. May 4^th is our target date for the transfer. This is great news because the 4^th falls on a Friday so I can bed rest on the weekend and not have to lose more hours at work. It’s all coming together nicely which means that sometime in the next couple of weeks, something will change.

In the meantime, I can start exercising again. I am going to try super hard to work out this water barrel around my waist and eat a bit more vegetables. Out of all the wonderful developments and great news, I did find one downer. This one must be a doozy because it has consumed my thoughts for the past 2 days. Because of the frozen embryo transfer (FET) versus the fresh, I will need to be on progesterone for who knows how long. IM shots (aka, long needles)!!!! How in the world am I going to do that? The subcutaneous shots (aka, tiny needles) were not too bad but it took self pep talks to inflict this pain several times a day. I don’t know that I will be able to pep talk myself into these. I have a few nurse friends and neighbors that I’m thinking of utilizing, but it’s working out a schedule where we are both available that might be tricky. And who (Mike doesn’t count) wants to look at my butt every day??

Don’t borrow sorrow from tomorrow. I will cross that bridge when I get there in about two weeks or so.

Egg Retrieval

The egg retrieval was a cinch. I knew what to expect and therefore refrained myself from singing any songs or making the doctor blush. I was tempted to slap a piece of duct tape on my mouth just to be sure, but ended up using a bit of good old fashioned discipline.

It was early Easter morning and the nurses and doctor were in good spirits (as always) considering that it was a holiday. I passed out chocolate to all that helped me before, during and after the procedure, as some sort of peace offering. I apologized a million times over, but they were so kind. (Really my body under the influence of hormones has had a mind of its own.) Then I found out that my doctor is Jewish and my anesthesiologist is Atheist so I didn't feel AS bad. Nonetheless, I really appreciated their being there to assist me through the process.

Mike and I were laughing in the waiting room because, I kid you not, every stinkin’ commercial on the TV was advertising food. I was NPO and he was sympathy starving. What a pair we made. Got the good o’ IV started then headed to the procedure room. My nerves are a little on edge when I first lay on the hard cold bed. I could get really worked up if I let myself. Slow, deep breaths is key until they say those magical words, “I’m giving you the IV medication now.” “Oh, yes, I feel it in my arm and I’m re…ad………………………………..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

I awoke, once again, to my husband at my side. No singing, no singing, I would remind myself. This time it took a little longer to recuperate from the sedatives. I went home and conked out. The rest of the day was lazy until I had to force myself to get dressed and ready for the evening. Our sweet friends, the Owens, fed us a delicious Easter dinner.

That night I had a tough time going to sleep, wondering about the possibilities. We were told that they retrieved 16 follicles. I thought that was a good number but I also knew that it would go down as time went on. I’ve learned that not all follicles have eggs in them and many eggs are either not alive or insufficient in some way.

I got the call Monday that 14 eggs had survived the fertilization process. Fourteen gives us something to work with during the freezing process. The good doctor called later that evening to confirm 14 eggs and explain that we would lose a few more during the maturing phase. They would grow to blastocysts then be frozen, some on Friday and possibly some on Saturday. I would know by Monday. What the heck, what’s another week of waiting?!

Easter Egg Hunting

My Mike accompanied me to today's doctor appointment. It was good to have him plus a second pair of ears to take mental notes. Sometimes the doctor thinks I can read his mind and sometimes I think he is speaking a foreign language. And I'm in the medical field!

They took my blood then I suffered through a painful ultrasound. I feel like I've have a couple of basketballs in my belly for a couple of days and now I understand why. The doctor is still impressed with my "bajillion" follicles, that are now stacking atop each other. He said they are growing nicely but he still projects that my Estrogen level will be pretty high. His plan remains, he will retrieve this weekend then give my lady parts a break until next cycle.

How about going on a little Easter egg hunt this Sunday? A body going through in-vitro does not wait on anything or anyone. I'm feeling pretty bad for this having fallen on a holiday of all days, but I'm grateful to Dr. Witz and the nurses that will make it happen when it needs to. I plan to bring them some yummies to ease the work load.

I took the Lupron trigger shot last night at exactly 8:30pm in the local Chili's bathroom stall in between our free appetizer and shared entree. Then this morning, my sweet husband woke me up at 8:30am for my second shot. I'm embarrassed to admit that I slept until 8:30a but it was most delicious! And that's it. No more shots... for now. Of course in the morning I'll receive my IV but I won't have to administer it and it surely won't make me feel like the bloating queen.

Tomorrow we find out how many were retrieved and Monday morning we find out how many follicles will decide to fertilize. Exciting stuff! Happy Easter y'all.

Stubborn Estrogen

Just as I had suspected deep down inside, it looks like my estrogen level is climbing back up. I went in to the clinic today for my regular blood draw and ultrasound. It was mostly an uneventful visit with the doctor telling me that I have ovaries of a 30 year old (he tells me that every time) and that I have a bajillion follicles. But he did mention that we are still looking at retrieval this weekend but that there was a good chance that we would need to perform the actual transfer with my next cycle using frozen embryo. Say what?! This news was a little disheartening.

Everyday I get ideas forming in my mind and I try feverishly to form a plan and map out a calendar. I really need to quite doing this! I knew from the beginning that this is a very unpredictable journey and that no matter how many forums and blogs I read, my story will be different from all others. I think my doctor recognized my disappointment and immediately reassured me that this was a great thing. It sounds as though it's quite common in that the estrogen level is too high and oft times postpones the actual egg transfer. The good news is that this is doable. I will simply "recooperate" from all these crazy hormones then start next month with a fresh uterine lining and renewed hope. There is a great risk for OSHH (I think I mentioned this nasty syndrome in a previous post) that could lead to a failed transfer, hospitalization and even death in some cases. Ok, I feel a bit better.

The good doctor told me that in many cases, the transfer of frozen embryos has the same effect, if not better, than fresh embryos. (As fresh as fresh can be after stewing in a petri dish for 3-5 days.) Tonight I'm ok with it. I was also very appreciative that the doctor himself called and talked to me and Mike on the phone, explaining his findings. I'm getting the feeling that this man does not get to go home much. At this point, it looks like he will be spending Easter morning with us retrieving our Easter eggs. I'll have to bring him some candy or something.

Warning: Vain and self-centered venting to follow. I'm trying to be super positive about all this so I thought of two great pluses. I've been a little frustrated that I have this extra 15-20 lbs on me from foolish eating and sheer laziness. Maybe I can get serious these next few weeks, eating healthier and moving my feet. I'm quite aware that I cannot lose that much in a month, but I can practice good eating habits and get some good oxygenated blood to the brain. Also, I have another month to pay for this sweet baby possibly before it even gets here. Oh, one more thought... I have a huge to-do list for the month of April so that will keep my mind busy.

Tonight I poked myself in the belly with Bravelle (3 vials), Menapure (2 vials) and Ganirelix. It just gets more fun with each day.

Small Setback?

Went to see Dr. Witz again today. They like to take my blood and see my ovaries. Apparently I have a bajillion follicles. I texted Mike with this information and he responded with "too much follicing around." Funny guy.

No idea what happened between yesterday evening and this afternoon but my estrogen levels decided to cause some trouble. They've gone from 261 to the 1800s!! I've been trying to learn more about it but the fact that everyone responds to the medications in such different ways makes it super hard to figure out.

The doctor wants to see me yet again tomorrow! I swear he has a crush on me. I've never had a doctor want to see me so often. I very much enjoy the office so I don't mind, but the hardship is getting the day off of work and the time covered by a sub. Everyday I show up, I'm hoping I still have my job and that my co-workers still remember who I am.

As I was saying, I'm trying to do some research to figure out my doctor's job. I'm trying to have faith in him but my mind is racing a mile a minute. Mostly focused on a highly infamous condition known as OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.) Basically, when too many follicles develop in the ovaries, the ovaries become swollen and enlarged. OHSS can cause severe pain and fluid buildup in the lungs and abdomen. Ugh. I just have to pay attention to my body and let the doctor know of any sudden and alarming changes.

I don't know that I could do this if I didn't have a nursing degree. It's scary and nerve wracking all in one! The unpredictability is dreadful. Am I complaining? NO WAY Jose! I'm grateful to be in this situation.

In my researching, I did find the following couple of paragraphs to be quite interesting. I asked Dr. Witz today if, after this is all said and done, would there be a chance we could find out what is causing me to be infertile. He said no then explained that this might put a hiccup in our progress and we would have to figure out a way around it. He is hoping that I'm one of the percentage of women that just simply have unexplained infertility.

Anyway, here is some food for thought if you are interested in my theory.

The difference between a healthy pregnancy and an unsuccessful in vitro fertilization (IVF) attempt may be less than few nanograms of estrogen. New research shows even the tiniest variations in a woman's estrogen levels may help explain why up to 70% of healthy embryos fail to implant themselves in the uterus.

A study in today's online edition of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests that estrogen plays an important role in determining the window of opportunity for an embryo to attach itself to the uterine wall and begin development.

Although a small amount of estrogen is needed to make the uterus receptive to the embryo, researchers found slightly too much of the hormone can alter the necessary genetic process at the implantation site in the uterus and can drastically shorten the fertility window.

I'm usually a pretty patient person, but tonight I'm very anxious to see what tomorrow morning holds for us.

Tonight my cocktail consisted of Bravelle 150 (2 vials), Menapure 150 (2 vials)and Ganarelix (1)

Patience and Such

Many couples find that the intensity and waiting involved with IVF (screenings, testing, and procedures) is almost more than they can bear. Some couples have already waited months and even years to get pregnant. Then, they are immediately disappointed to find that the IVF process involves a time commitment.

As you focus on staying patient during this time, an important IVF success tip is to chill! Make plans to stay active with friends and family. Discover a hobby or a new activity that is relaxing and fun. Try to keep your mind off of any worries or potential setbacks during the IVF journey. And, most importantly, have hope that your doctors will do all they can to help you get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

I read this online today. It's so very true. I've had a tough 7 years going through crazy thoughts and emotions, but thankfully I've not had to experience painful procedures and issues such as PCOS or miscarriages. I'm also grateful for my three step kids that have kept me and my mind busy and active. I just must remain patient!

I've mentioned before that this IVF thing is not something that can be planned. Sure they can give me a calendar but it'll change from day to day. This in and of itself is frustrating but the hardest thing about my scheduling has been my job. I was told that there would be lots of doctor visits but I never imagined the challenge of fitting this crazy thing into my life. It's like a part time job! Luckily I have plenty of days saved up from my almost 2 years at PISD, but I am surely going through it fast. I'm only taking half days off so that helps. But I also am responsible for setting up a sub for my clinic. We've been through stupid STAAR testing and Kindergarten Round Up and will have testing next month as well. I gave my boss a heads up in the beginning but I think she get's a little frustrated with my being gone so much. It is what it is. And it will be worth it.

In choosing my doctor and the best IVF clinic, it ended up that I chose a clinic a little further into Houston. The drive is not one to envy. The appointments are only made between 8-11am everyday but I have to get an early one so that I can make it back to work in time. And guess what? Morning traffic is the bane of my existence. The first couple of trips I ended up with a stinkin' crick in my neck. Coincidence maybe, but I couldn't put up with that going on 3-4 times a week. So now I pop in some soft music or a General Conference talk and voila, I am at ease. We won't even talk about the fuel I burn coming and going.

I question whether or not I should have just waited until the summer. I had three months to wait and then I could have reserved my days off as well as not have to battle the finding a sub. Hind sight is 20/20. I was just super anxious to get started once my decision was made. Ah well, it's a go and we will make the most of it.

Side Effects

My visits to the clinic are starting to get a bit boring. It's like clockwork. They greet me as I come in, we joke about the fact that I was JUST here and I should have my own bed and toothpaste handy. They steal my blood right away, then I get naked from the waist down and wait for the doc. The ultrasound is quick and painless then he usually says, "See ya in 2 days." That's it. No snacks, no entertainment, nada.

Today was no different. Got my results and dosage at the end of my work day as usual.

Bravelle (3 vials), Menapure (2 vials) for tonight, tomorrow and the next day. But want me to initiate Ganirelix on Saturday and Sunday. This is great news! They want to keep me from ovulating which means my follicles continue to grow at a steady pace. I was anxious to see the growth of these follicles but the good doctor didn't even spend much time measuring.

I did learn a dirty little trick. If I show up early, they get me in early. Wednesday traffic was horrific. I was about 15 minutes late for my appointment because I couldn't get through I610 for the life of me! So I left super early this morning to make double sure I would be there on time. I was almost home at about the time my original appointment should have started.

I have not had a whole lot of side effects from this medication yet. My weight hasn't changed but I do feel a bit plumper around the waist. Pants feel a bit tight but no more than they would with the regular Aunt Flow. As the days progress, I imagine my ovaries will start feeling a bit heavy but that's nothing I can't handle. I love a good challenge. Maybe it's too soon to speak but I feel good emotionally as well. I haven't had the urge to kill anyone. Really, I've been feeling super happy and playful. Hopeful maybe?

Day 3 and 4 of meds

Had another blood work up and ultrasound today. Things appear to be progressing nicely. It appears that I already have a good amount of follicles in the left ovary and a few in the right.

Tonight's (and tomorrow's) medication order is Bravelle 225 (3 vials) and Menapure 150 (2 vials). Two shots this time as only four vials can be drawn up in the same syringe at a time.

It's ok though, I am super tough.

Let the cycle begin...

Today is the first day of stimulation medication. After my blood draw and ultrasound, the nurses will call to tell me the lab results and to give me the dosage of medication I am to give myself in the form of shots between 6-8pm every day.

Tonight (and tomorrow night) was Bravelle 150 (2 vials) and Menapure 150 (2 vials). Good thing is I am able to administer all the meds in one shot. I did this only once during our IUIs and had to ice my belly first to make it go numb. I can't even tell you how many shots I've administered in my 15 years of nursing and yet it was such a battle to stick myself (on purpose) with a needle. There was no way I had the time to ice myself down every single day and with every single stick. I just had to suck it up and make it happen. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. Let's see if I'm still saying that after 10-12 days of it!

During the visit with the doctor, I was told that my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone) level was awesome. Apparently AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply, or "ovarian reserve." The average number in a women at child bearing age is 2. Women during or after menopause is pretty much undetected. Mine is 6. Therefore, the doctor does not feel the need to treat my infertility aggressively. He will treat me as a 30-35 year old. Ooh la la.

I am expected to gain 8-10 lbs of water weight with these hormone shots. Oh joy.

Drug Bust

I was told that the medication for one cycle of IVF would cost somewhere between $2000-$5000. Ouch! Fortunately, and to my complete surprise, I found out that the insurance company will pay for the medications and I would be responsible for a copay of $920. Now that is a sweet deal.

I ordered the meds and had them delivered at work. NEXT DAY I received them and this is what I found. A bit overwhelming no doubt. I counted 281 doses to be exact. Fun stuff!

Hysteroscopy

What a way to start Spring Break!! I had a procedure today that aimed at checking out the viability of my old uterus and ovaries. Doc says they look great and we are good to go with the IVF cycle.

We had the first appointment and my sweet husband dragged me out in the wee early hours of the morning to the Piney Surgical Center. We were one of three couples getting started this morning. I was nervous. Before today, I had never been under anesthesia before. I've seen way too many YouTube videos of people under the influence!

When we got there, I answered a ton of questions, had my IV started and chit chatted with the doctor and nurses a bit. Then they walked me to the procedure room. The table is exactly as I imagined, hard and cold! They put some oxygen on me and told me I would start to feel sleepy. Yep, that's the very last thing I remember. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the recovery room with my Mike by my side. I was still feeling "silly" and really, really good. I mean GOOD! I said an embarrasing thing or two.

So I know I've got to do this again when retrieval comes around. Maybe I can bring some duck tape for the mouth.

Can you put a price on a wee one?

For years I struggled with the idea of paying oodles of money to try to get pregnant. I had lots of mixed emotions... where would I get that kind of money? Is it even ethical to pay for a test tube baby? And mostly, what happens if it doesn't work??

I still don't have that kind of money but thank goodness for payment plans. A friend of mine once asked me, if I found out I had diabetes, wouldn't I do the necessary testing and medication to be as healthy as possible. Of course I would, then why wouldn't I try to remedy my infertility? I also see it a bit like adoption. Wonderful people pay loads of money to fulfill their dreams of being parents. And if it doesn't work? We will cross that bridge if/when we get there.

I have always been a good saver and I don't like to spend a lot of money. But honestly, I'm not sure that this was the real culprit behind waiting this long to try IVF. I think it was the idea that it wasn't meant to be and don't mess with fate. I also believe that there is a season for everything and I thought my season had passed.

It turns out that this IVF process isn't as much money as I thought it would be. It's still a lot but at this point, I've got to have faith that it will be worth it. Especially if a sweet little one comes about. If not, I will not have to live with the awful regret of not giving it my all to conceive.

My IVF journey. The making of a baby.

I have not been able to understand, let alone explain, my feelings about my so called infertility. I am not a deep thinker therefore had never really put much thought into having children. It was a given. It was natural to assume I would have one or more. I never planned when or how many but felt comfortable with my destiny. I always assumed my children would be blonde and I had hoped that they wouldn’t struggle with acne and crooked teeth the way I did. And I definitely would raise them the way my parents raised me, with a love so strong they would never doubt it.

I never had to think about it when married to Vince because our marriage was never strong enough to invite that kind of commitment. When I met and married Mike in 2004, I wanted to get pregnant immediately. I cannot remember my way of thinking when 2 and 3 years went by and no baby. I began seeking help from my OB doctor in 2006. I had a procedure that checked all my plumbing and things looked great. With unexplained infertility after so many years, she felt it was necessary to refer me to a specialist. We went through 3 IUIs without success. I do remember the heartache and frustration after the 3^rd and last attempt. I remember blaming the doctor for not being aggressive enough. I was so frustrated that no one could tell me what the problem was. If we knew, we could fix it.

The next step was in-vitro. I wasn’t ready for that. I did not want to pay money to force my body to make a baby. It was unnatural. It was anti-climatic. I felt it was going against Heavenly Father’s plan for me. Or maybe it was not meant to be, for the sake of my step children. I was having so many negative thoughts like maybe I was not going to be a fit mother or maybe I was about to lose a loved one to death. It was apparent to me that after 7 years, Heavenly Father simply did not want me to have a child of my own. I was definitely playing the negative tapes in my head and it did a number on my confidence and happiness.

From then on I tried super hard to accept that I was not to conceive. I started reading articles about being a good role model and tried hard to think of ways to make myself useful. I put everything I had into caring for my step-children, that is, until they got older and more independent. I used to do it all, cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, helping with homework, getting up at night with the vomiting, taking kids to the doctor, recitals, and practices. I even did my share of disciplining (and maybe even Mike’s share.) But recently I’ve had an epiphany. They do not need me like they used to. They’ve started to pull away gradually. I am not alarmed as I know that this is the natural order. I feel confident that they are still full of love for me. They tell me so and they are affectionate and grateful. But it is breaking my heart because I feel that I am losing my purpose in life; to be a mom, to serve my family all the days of my life.

Recently I went to see my primary doctor about a few physical ailments. Could it be that I was falling apart already, at age 39? In the middle of our conversation about heavy periods and aching bones and constipation, I started crying like a baby. Tears streaming, I told her I was not happy. I love my husband, the kids, my mom and siblings. I am content with my job. My home is beautiful, clean and organized. I have a strong testimony of the gospel and I have a good relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior. Why was I crying???!!! She encouraged me to see a counselor, to talk it out.

I was compliant and started visiting with a therapist here in town. It felt good to vent about my frustrations, fears and inconveniences. It was nice to hear her feedback. She had some good advice about communicating and preventing talking down about myself. But as helpful as she was, the words I heard most during our 2 one hour sessions were mine. It was obvious that I had some regrets and that I wasn’t ready to shut the doors on the idea of being a mom. I still had the fears of being unfit and bringing a sweet baby into this awfully challenged world. But I wasn’t ready to call it quits just yet. There was definantly a void in my life.

I had another intense conversation with my dearest friend. She helped me organize my thoughts and feelings. She gave me the courage to confront my worries. If you knew her, you would know she pretty much gave me a kick in the butt and told me to get up, dust myself off and make things happen. That night I cried, I prayed and I made some decisions. During the next couple of days, I confronted my sweet husband with my plans. I was ready to begin the process of in-vitro. I explained that if I did not make this effort, I would regret it forever. I would never know what could have come of it. I was worried about the money, I was worried about having an unhealthy baby, and I was worried about going against Heavenly Father’s wishes. I was nervous about discussing these things with him because he already has 3 children and surely was not looking forward to starting from scratch and raising another, possibly two others.

Boy, was I wrong. He was completely supportive and has been since that day. Granted, he too is nervous about some things like losing me to childbirth or conceiving a child with a lifetime of challenges. He even mentioned something about putting his life in danger after I start a strong hormone regimen. I reassured him that I have not yet had any thoughts of harming him with a knife or pillow. I do know that we both share the concern of how I will take a negative response to the IVF process. If it does not work, I will be heartbroken, but no more so than I was after our 3^rd unsuccessful IUI. This is when my faith will need to be at its strongest.

I am grateful for the research and knowledge obtained to be able to carry out this procedure. I am grateful to my doctor, who is both kind and witty, for studying to become great at what he does. I am grateful for my supportive husband who will brave the hormone treatments. I am grateful that the kids are hopeful and excited about the prospects. I am grateful for my mom and her love and support. How could I possibly have such a strong urge to be a mom if I had not had her example all of my life? I’m grateful for my dad and the memories I have of his loving and charismatic personality. Oh how I hope my future child possesses some of his qualities! I am grateful for my Melissa, my Jennifer and my Aaron, for without them, I would not be me. My life would certainly not be complete without them. I am grateful for my friend Tammy who has shared her wisdom and her testimony in just the right way at just the right times in my life. I am grateful for my health and my ability to form thoughts and feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to come to earth to learn and grow and prove myself worthy to one day be in the presence of a kind and ever so patient and forgiving God and Savior. One day I hope to be able to embrace them and show them my love and gratitude.