My IVF journey. The making of a baby.

I have not been able to understand, let alone explain, my feelings about my so called infertility. I am not a deep thinker therefore had never really put much thought into having children. It was a given. It was natural to assume I would have one or more. I never planned when or how many but felt comfortable with my destiny. I always assumed my children would be blonde and I had hoped that they wouldn’t struggle with acne and crooked teeth the way I did. And I definitely would raise them the way my parents raised me, with a love so strong they would never doubt it.

I never had to think about it when married to Vince because our marriage was never strong enough to invite that kind of commitment. When I met and married Mike in 2004, I wanted to get pregnant immediately. I cannot remember my way of thinking when 2 and 3 years went by and no baby. I began seeking help from my OB doctor in 2006. I had a procedure that checked all my plumbing and things looked great. With unexplained infertility after so many years, she felt it was necessary to refer me to a specialist. We went through 3 IUIs without success. I do remember the heartache and frustration after the 3^rd and last attempt. I remember blaming the doctor for not being aggressive enough. I was so frustrated that no one could tell me what the problem was. If we knew, we could fix it.

The next step was in-vitro. I wasn’t ready for that. I did not want to pay money to force my body to make a baby. It was unnatural. It was anti-climatic. I felt it was going against Heavenly Father’s plan for me. Or maybe it was not meant to be, for the sake of my step children. I was having so many negative thoughts like maybe I was not going to be a fit mother or maybe I was about to lose a loved one to death. It was apparent to me that after 7 years, Heavenly Father simply did not want me to have a child of my own. I was definitely playing the negative tapes in my head and it did a number on my confidence and happiness.

From then on I tried super hard to accept that I was not to conceive. I started reading articles about being a good role model and tried hard to think of ways to make myself useful. I put everything I had into caring for my step-children, that is, until they got older and more independent. I used to do it all, cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, helping with homework, getting up at night with the vomiting, taking kids to the doctor, recitals, and practices. I even did my share of disciplining (and maybe even Mike’s share.) But recently I’ve had an epiphany. They do not need me like they used to. They’ve started to pull away gradually. I am not alarmed as I know that this is the natural order. I feel confident that they are still full of love for me. They tell me so and they are affectionate and grateful. But it is breaking my heart because I feel that I am losing my purpose in life; to be a mom, to serve my family all the days of my life.

Recently I went to see my primary doctor about a few physical ailments. Could it be that I was falling apart already, at age 39? In the middle of our conversation about heavy periods and aching bones and constipation, I started crying like a baby. Tears streaming, I told her I was not happy. I love my husband, the kids, my mom and siblings. I am content with my job. My home is beautiful, clean and organized. I have a strong testimony of the gospel and I have a good relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior. Why was I crying???!!! She encouraged me to see a counselor, to talk it out.

I was compliant and started visiting with a therapist here in town. It felt good to vent about my frustrations, fears and inconveniences. It was nice to hear her feedback. She had some good advice about communicating and preventing talking down about myself. But as helpful as she was, the words I heard most during our 2 one hour sessions were mine. It was obvious that I had some regrets and that I wasn’t ready to shut the doors on the idea of being a mom. I still had the fears of being unfit and bringing a sweet baby into this awfully challenged world. But I wasn’t ready to call it quits just yet. There was definantly a void in my life.

I had another intense conversation with my dearest friend. She helped me organize my thoughts and feelings. She gave me the courage to confront my worries. If you knew her, you would know she pretty much gave me a kick in the butt and told me to get up, dust myself off and make things happen. That night I cried, I prayed and I made some decisions. During the next couple of days, I confronted my sweet husband with my plans. I was ready to begin the process of in-vitro. I explained that if I did not make this effort, I would regret it forever. I would never know what could have come of it. I was worried about the money, I was worried about having an unhealthy baby, and I was worried about going against Heavenly Father’s wishes. I was nervous about discussing these things with him because he already has 3 children and surely was not looking forward to starting from scratch and raising another, possibly two others.

Boy, was I wrong. He was completely supportive and has been since that day. Granted, he too is nervous about some things like losing me to childbirth or conceiving a child with a lifetime of challenges. He even mentioned something about putting his life in danger after I start a strong hormone regimen. I reassured him that I have not yet had any thoughts of harming him with a knife or pillow. I do know that we both share the concern of how I will take a negative response to the IVF process. If it does not work, I will be heartbroken, but no more so than I was after our 3^rd unsuccessful IUI. This is when my faith will need to be at its strongest.

I am grateful for the research and knowledge obtained to be able to carry out this procedure. I am grateful to my doctor, who is both kind and witty, for studying to become great at what he does. I am grateful for my supportive husband who will brave the hormone treatments. I am grateful that the kids are hopeful and excited about the prospects. I am grateful for my mom and her love and support. How could I possibly have such a strong urge to be a mom if I had not had her example all of my life? I’m grateful for my dad and the memories I have of his loving and charismatic personality. Oh how I hope my future child possesses some of his qualities! I am grateful for my Melissa, my Jennifer and my Aaron, for without them, I would not be me. My life would certainly not be complete without them. I am grateful for my friend Tammy who has shared her wisdom and her testimony in just the right way at just the right times in my life. I am grateful for my health and my ability to form thoughts and feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to come to earth to learn and grow and prove myself worthy to one day be in the presence of a kind and ever so patient and forgiving God and Savior. One day I hope to be able to embrace them and show them my love and gratitude.