Breeched

Had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday at 34 weeks. Always look forward to those, especially when there is an ultrasound involved. Mike came with! Baby is healthy and growing. Measurements from the ultrasound determined she is approximately 5 pounds and 2 ounces. Not sure how she came up with the numbers but she mentioned that baby shouldn't be more than 8 pounds. I'm okay with that because I would really love her to start tiny. She has some precious tiny outfits from the shower. The pictures from the ultrasound weren't that great this time but according to the tech and doctor, she is perfectly healthy. 

                                                  Sunday, February 24th, 2013 - Week 35

Bad news: she is breech, the stinker! Dr. Brigger wants another ultrasound in three weeks, during Spring Break, to determine if she is going to turn in preparation for delivery. If she hasn't flipped, we will be scheduling a c-section and hoping and praying she's that 97% that turns just in time. Apparently there is not much I can do to talk her into it and we will just have to wait and see. She was also with her feet up to her head, in a taco position. Hope she is able to wiggle herself into a comfortable position soon because she's getting too big to move around much. Her kicks and movements are a bit more painful. I imagine she is kicking a bone or a nerve somewhere because sometimes it sends shivers down the leg. But I love her and I'm happy to be carrying her around for about 4 more weeks.

Progress

 Week 16

 Week 17

 Week 19

 Week 23

 Week 25

 Week 31

 Week 33

Week 34

The power of movement.

It will be 28 weeks on Sunday and I will be in the third trimester. Amazing. It has been quite the journey and I wish I had blogged more often. As amazing as the journey has been, I am able to sum it up to this point pretty simply. Weeks 1-5 were surreal. The I-can't-believe-this-is-happening phase. I didn't feel different and it was hard to come to the realization that there was in fact a positive pregnancy test. Weeks 6-7 were not my favorite. This was the what-in-the-heck-did-I-do phase, as I snacked on frosted mini wheats to combat the nausea and Advil to keep the headache at bay. Looking back, apparently I had it pretty easy compared to many women. Weeks 8 to about 15 were great! The I-can-do-this-but-first-let-me-go-to-the-bathroom... again phase! I got my energy back and I was cruzing along like nobody's business. I guess it was about weeks 16 or mostly 17 to 24ish that I was growing that baby bump and feeling the energy ever so slightly trickle from me by mid afternoon. The oh-my,-this-is-real-and-there's-no-turning-back phase. From 25 until now I feel on many occasions that I am climbing a flight of stairs. I'm already having difficulties putting on socks and shoes and I still have three more months to go! I hear this is perfectly normal. I have to sit to catch my breath on occasion and only just two days ago did I experience my first restless night. I have good days and I have great days and I have not reached the please-just-get-here-already phase. I am trying to absorb every experience and although Mike may beg to differ, I try very hard not to complain too much. He is just my go-to guy when I need to vent about something but that is pretty much a husband's job, right?

I'm not sure if I've experienced any hiccups yet. Maybe a couple of times but they sure didn't last long. She clues me in on her presence about every 10 minutes, squirming, kicking and or performing summersaults. There is just something wonderful about having this baby move inside of me. I am in awe every time she does it and I think my family might be just about sick of hearing about it. "Come feel!" or "Did you see that?!" have been exclaimed many a times to no avail.

The fact that we are conceived and grown in another human being is pretty much amazing in and of itself. The miracle that could only have been devised by our Heavenly Father himself is something that probably most of us don't think much of until we are able to experience it. These sweet beings begin as just a couple of combined cells and go through umpteen different phases to get to the point of delivery. I'm grateful for the opportunity for sure. And to think that I was one of these sweet beings at one time sure strengthens my love and appreciation for my own mother.

I often wonder if I have the unconditional, unexplicable love for my mother because of the idea of coming from her and having had that bond. Or is it the sacrifice she's made throughout her life as a mother that I've grown to appreciate and cherish. When I first learned that we were having a girl, I was a bit on edge. What in the world was I going to do with a girl?! Then I got to thinking... if I raise her like my mom raised me, she should turn out pretty ok.  

Beta #1

I went in to have my blood drawn this morning, accompanied by my Maddie. Received that wonderful call a few hours later by the nurse. I was told that everything looks great and my first beta level is 599. This is the level of HCG in my body and all I know is, it's a good number and we'll take it!

About an hour later, the doctor called to say, "For the love of peanut butter, keep taking the meds!" Needless to say, he is very well pleased.

This Friday we hope to see the beta levels double then next Friday we find out how many we will be blessed with. Yikes!

Surreal

So here we are close to the end of our IVF cycle #2 and I'm seriously wishing I'd started the blog entry from day one. I was so very unsure about doing a second cycle that it kind of just snuck up on me. Then before I knew it, I was back to getting shots, changing patches and poppin' pills. And still not feeling the urge to blog about it just yet.

I cannot say what helped us finally decide to do it again. A lot of talking, a lot of prayer and a lot of faith. We talked about our future, our finances, my health and everything else we could think of to keep us up at nights. It just made sense to try it one more time. We went in to see the doctor a couple of weeks after the unsuccessful first attempt. He was baffled, but quite confident that eventually it would work. Perfect embryos, perfect hormone level, perfect transfer. However, he did not volunteer to do if for free so that was a chance we had to take. 

We started the medication on June 22nd and it's been mostly uneventful since. Same medications, same staff, same perfect transfer, same goofy conversations under anesthesia. But oddly enough, this cycle has been very different in many ways.

I knew what to expect physically. I knew that the bloating and weight gain was inevitable so I did not fret over this on a daily basis like I did last time. I just pulled out my big jeans again and quit analyzing my growth in the mirror. (I managed to lose 10 pounds in that short time in between cycles and, not knowing whether or not to pursue IVF again, was able to put those jeans away for a very short bit.)

I was also not really into what I was eating. To lose the weight, I ate very good but then once I picked the Estrogen and Progesterone pounds back on, I didn't even think about it. Maybe that was my way of not stressing over things. I ate when I was hungry and I ate what I wanted. It was wonderful!

After the transfer I felt different "things." Instead of ovary cramping, I was experiencing very brief twinges (is that even a word?) and sharpness in the central area. Uterus maybe? And a burning almost like it was sunburned on the inside. I know, I'm a freak.

Mike seemed to be a little more laid back too. And more hopeful that this time would work. We didn't talk about it a lot but let the time tick away. I did some more forum perusing, looking for women experiencing my same uterus manifestations. I even found out that there are several women in my ward that have been battling infertility. Although I don't wish this on anyone, it was nice to know others know my frustrations. Reading on the forums didn't really help or hurt.

One of my favorite new things is that Mike finally gave me my shot for the first time! He did a great job and didn't pass out. He has been giving them to me ever since and I'm so happy that he is making that sacrifice to support me. It is totally and completely out of his comfort zone, but he is managing and I love him so for it!

The biggest different of all....

I had already decided to take a pregnancy test at home before confirming it with blood work in the doctor's office. I was determined to walk into that office this coming Wednesday with a little more control than last time. I wanted to have an idea before the nurse had to break the news over the phone. With a little persuasion, Mike agreed and this morning at 7am, I peed on a stick.

Holy cow!! I think I'm unofficially officially pregnant. We'll confirm Wednesday then it will be another 2 week wait to hear the hearbeat(s). I look forward to it so much. Then after that I think I might be able to slow down and enjoy the ride.

Surreal.

It's ok to be sad.

Welp. It didn’t take. Poor nurse Ashton called this morning with report of a negative pregnancy test. I cried a little then had to get off the phone quickly before it turned into a lot. That wouldn’t have been fair to her.

I was super anxious last night into this morning. Some women voice their experiences with intuition, whether it is good or bad, about getting pregnant. I felt nothing but anxiety. No specific “feeling” about what the outcome would be. I went in to have my blood drawn at about 8:30 with hope but absolutely zero expectations. The nurse called as quickly as she got the results (at about 11:00.) My heart was immediately engulfed with a surge of sadness and it took a little bit to grasp the news, but my sweet, sweet husband was there to give me loves. I’m very glad he was there.

After about 10 minutes, I put on my game face because I needed to go back to work. When I got to work I made sure I told the one person I knew could not keep a secret. My plan worked and so far no one has come in to visit me. And it’s ok because quite frankly I don’t feel like visiting. Tomorrow I will be ready to share whatever it is they need to hear. I did call nurse Ashton back this afternoon and we had a much different phone conversation. I apologized for "leaving" her the way I did and wanted her to know that I think it's awful that she has to make these calls and that I would be just fine. I could tell it broke her heart.

The plus side… although this was not the news I wanted to hear today, it was thankfully not a call that someone I love has been injured or killed. Even as I type I acknowledge that my life has been so very blessed. I have a supportive family that loves me and wants nothing but happiness for me. Yes, I’ve spent a gosh awful amount of money and yes, I will not be holding my sweet little one in the middle of January but what bothers me so much right now is the ridiculous feeling that I’ve let down so many people that I care about. I know it’s so silly but blogs are for honesty, right?

I do not know what the future holds and I will not be making any of those decisions today and probably not even the rest of the week. I will simply let the news sinc in and maybe cry a bit more. I might even go for a really crazy long walk.

To help keep our mouths and minds clean, my mom used to tell us kids that only babies and vacuum cleaners suck. Just for today, Mom, today sucks. Tomorrow it will better because the sun will come up and the birds will sing. 

Half way there.

Today is day 6 of our 11 day wait. So far, so good. I have stopped researching everything I could possibly get my hands on about FETs and implantation. Everyone's symptoms and stories are so different, it is just not helping. I remain calm and collective but it is on my mind more often than not. I don't think or day dream of anything in particular but I do find myself wishing the time would speed up a bit. But then I make myself stop and try to enjoy the moment. Especially if we have a negative result, I want to be able to recall this time of waiting. I don't want it to be just a week of fog.

I spoke with my nurse yesterday regarding medications. I'm about to have to reorder more and wanted a good idea of how much more to order. I was told that I should look forward to another approximately 4 weeks of progesterone shots. This is not so exciting to hear but it's doable. At least it's a light at the end of the tunnel. And if I'm receiving that many shots, it means I'm pregnant! She also mentioned that if I have a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, then on May 20th, I will be 5 weeks pregnant already.

This weekend will FLY by as we are catering to Maddie and her many, many activities of choir club and ballet recitals. There is Mother's Day on Sunday and then we will get through two more days before Wednesday's blood draw. My life could change more so than I can even imagine at this time. I think I have a good grasp on what I will feel with a negative result. Been there, done that. However, I don't think I can comprehend what I might feel if I do become pregnant.

I read a blog the other day about an infertile woman's perspective of Mother's Day. She described how hard it was for her and talked about how bitter she would be. She talked about the years of pain she would suffer on this day and even shared a very sad poem. I felt sorry for her. She had not figured out that she could be a positive influence on so many! She apparently doesn't have 3 step children to give her loves and encouragment on that day. I'm tempted to send her the article I read in April's issue of the Ensign entitled My Search for Motherhood. The article was really nothing that's never been said before but it was inspiring and encouraging. I'll admit I've had strong emotions on Mother's Day for many years. But these emotions are most definately love and appreciation for all of the wonderful mothers in my life, including my own sweet momma. Any negative feelings I have are embarassment for not being able to conceive. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's all too true.

Mother's Day is just another day, but does give us an opportunity to think about and thank those women who have influenced us in a positive way. Yesterday was Nurses' Day and I received a few gifts and an amazing amount of special "birthday" wishes from our Kindergarten kiddos. Ha! They were clueless, but wanted so badly to express their excitement for me. It doesn't really matter what the wishes are and where they come from, but how I choose to let them make me feel.