Side Effects

My visits to the clinic are starting to get a bit boring. It's like clockwork. They greet me as I come in, we joke about the fact that I was JUST here and I should have my own bed and toothpaste handy. They steal my blood right away, then I get naked from the waist down and wait for the doc. The ultrasound is quick and painless then he usually says, "See ya in 2 days." That's it. No snacks, no entertainment, nada.

Today was no different. Got my results and dosage at the end of my work day as usual.

Bravelle (3 vials), Menapure (2 vials) for tonight, tomorrow and the next day. But want me to initiate Ganirelix on Saturday and Sunday. This is great news! They want to keep me from ovulating which means my follicles continue to grow at a steady pace. I was anxious to see the growth of these follicles but the good doctor didn't even spend much time measuring.

I did learn a dirty little trick. If I show up early, they get me in early. Wednesday traffic was horrific. I was about 15 minutes late for my appointment because I couldn't get through I610 for the life of me! So I left super early this morning to make double sure I would be there on time. I was almost home at about the time my original appointment should have started.

I have not had a whole lot of side effects from this medication yet. My weight hasn't changed but I do feel a bit plumper around the waist. Pants feel a bit tight but no more than they would with the regular Aunt Flow. As the days progress, I imagine my ovaries will start feeling a bit heavy but that's nothing I can't handle. I love a good challenge. Maybe it's too soon to speak but I feel good emotionally as well. I haven't had the urge to kill anyone. Really, I've been feeling super happy and playful. Hopeful maybe?

Day 3 and 4 of meds

Had another blood work up and ultrasound today. Things appear to be progressing nicely. It appears that I already have a good amount of follicles in the left ovary and a few in the right.

Tonight's (and tomorrow's) medication order is Bravelle 225 (3 vials) and Menapure 150 (2 vials). Two shots this time as only four vials can be drawn up in the same syringe at a time.

It's ok though, I am super tough.

Let the cycle begin...

Today is the first day of stimulation medication. After my blood draw and ultrasound, the nurses will call to tell me the lab results and to give me the dosage of medication I am to give myself in the form of shots between 6-8pm every day.

Tonight (and tomorrow night) was Bravelle 150 (2 vials) and Menapure 150 (2 vials). Good thing is I am able to administer all the meds in one shot. I did this only once during our IUIs and had to ice my belly first to make it go numb. I can't even tell you how many shots I've administered in my 15 years of nursing and yet it was such a battle to stick myself (on purpose) with a needle. There was no way I had the time to ice myself down every single day and with every single stick. I just had to suck it up and make it happen. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. Let's see if I'm still saying that after 10-12 days of it!

During the visit with the doctor, I was told that my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone) level was awesome. Apparently AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply, or "ovarian reserve." The average number in a women at child bearing age is 2. Women during or after menopause is pretty much undetected. Mine is 6. Therefore, the doctor does not feel the need to treat my infertility aggressively. He will treat me as a 30-35 year old. Ooh la la.

I am expected to gain 8-10 lbs of water weight with these hormone shots. Oh joy.

Drug Bust

I was told that the medication for one cycle of IVF would cost somewhere between $2000-$5000. Ouch! Fortunately, and to my complete surprise, I found out that the insurance company will pay for the medications and I would be responsible for a copay of $920. Now that is a sweet deal.

I ordered the meds and had them delivered at work. NEXT DAY I received them and this is what I found. A bit overwhelming no doubt. I counted 281 doses to be exact. Fun stuff!

Hysteroscopy

What a way to start Spring Break!! I had a procedure today that aimed at checking out the viability of my old uterus and ovaries. Doc says they look great and we are good to go with the IVF cycle.

We had the first appointment and my sweet husband dragged me out in the wee early hours of the morning to the Piney Surgical Center. We were one of three couples getting started this morning. I was nervous. Before today, I had never been under anesthesia before. I've seen way too many YouTube videos of people under the influence!

When we got there, I answered a ton of questions, had my IV started and chit chatted with the doctor and nurses a bit. Then they walked me to the procedure room. The table is exactly as I imagined, hard and cold! They put some oxygen on me and told me I would start to feel sleepy. Yep, that's the very last thing I remember. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the recovery room with my Mike by my side. I was still feeling "silly" and really, really good. I mean GOOD! I said an embarrasing thing or two.

So I know I've got to do this again when retrieval comes around. Maybe I can bring some duck tape for the mouth.

Can you put a price on a wee one?

For years I struggled with the idea of paying oodles of money to try to get pregnant. I had lots of mixed emotions... where would I get that kind of money? Is it even ethical to pay for a test tube baby? And mostly, what happens if it doesn't work??

I still don't have that kind of money but thank goodness for payment plans. A friend of mine once asked me, if I found out I had diabetes, wouldn't I do the necessary testing and medication to be as healthy as possible. Of course I would, then why wouldn't I try to remedy my infertility? I also see it a bit like adoption. Wonderful people pay loads of money to fulfill their dreams of being parents. And if it doesn't work? We will cross that bridge if/when we get there.

I have always been a good saver and I don't like to spend a lot of money. But honestly, I'm not sure that this was the real culprit behind waiting this long to try IVF. I think it was the idea that it wasn't meant to be and don't mess with fate. I also believe that there is a season for everything and I thought my season had passed.

It turns out that this IVF process isn't as much money as I thought it would be. It's still a lot but at this point, I've got to have faith that it will be worth it. Especially if a sweet little one comes about. If not, I will not have to live with the awful regret of not giving it my all to conceive.

My IVF journey. The making of a baby.

I have not been able to understand, let alone explain, my feelings about my so called infertility. I am not a deep thinker therefore had never really put much thought into having children. It was a given. It was natural to assume I would have one or more. I never planned when or how many but felt comfortable with my destiny. I always assumed my children would be blonde and I had hoped that they wouldn’t struggle with acne and crooked teeth the way I did. And I definitely would raise them the way my parents raised me, with a love so strong they would never doubt it.

I never had to think about it when married to Vince because our marriage was never strong enough to invite that kind of commitment. When I met and married Mike in 2004, I wanted to get pregnant immediately. I cannot remember my way of thinking when 2 and 3 years went by and no baby. I began seeking help from my OB doctor in 2006. I had a procedure that checked all my plumbing and things looked great. With unexplained infertility after so many years, she felt it was necessary to refer me to a specialist. We went through 3 IUIs without success. I do remember the heartache and frustration after the 3^rd and last attempt. I remember blaming the doctor for not being aggressive enough. I was so frustrated that no one could tell me what the problem was. If we knew, we could fix it.

The next step was in-vitro. I wasn’t ready for that. I did not want to pay money to force my body to make a baby. It was unnatural. It was anti-climatic. I felt it was going against Heavenly Father’s plan for me. Or maybe it was not meant to be, for the sake of my step children. I was having so many negative thoughts like maybe I was not going to be a fit mother or maybe I was about to lose a loved one to death. It was apparent to me that after 7 years, Heavenly Father simply did not want me to have a child of my own. I was definitely playing the negative tapes in my head and it did a number on my confidence and happiness.

From then on I tried super hard to accept that I was not to conceive. I started reading articles about being a good role model and tried hard to think of ways to make myself useful. I put everything I had into caring for my step-children, that is, until they got older and more independent. I used to do it all, cooking, cleaning, packing lunches, helping with homework, getting up at night with the vomiting, taking kids to the doctor, recitals, and practices. I even did my share of disciplining (and maybe even Mike’s share.) But recently I’ve had an epiphany. They do not need me like they used to. They’ve started to pull away gradually. I am not alarmed as I know that this is the natural order. I feel confident that they are still full of love for me. They tell me so and they are affectionate and grateful. But it is breaking my heart because I feel that I am losing my purpose in life; to be a mom, to serve my family all the days of my life.

Recently I went to see my primary doctor about a few physical ailments. Could it be that I was falling apart already, at age 39? In the middle of our conversation about heavy periods and aching bones and constipation, I started crying like a baby. Tears streaming, I told her I was not happy. I love my husband, the kids, my mom and siblings. I am content with my job. My home is beautiful, clean and organized. I have a strong testimony of the gospel and I have a good relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior. Why was I crying???!!! She encouraged me to see a counselor, to talk it out.

I was compliant and started visiting with a therapist here in town. It felt good to vent about my frustrations, fears and inconveniences. It was nice to hear her feedback. She had some good advice about communicating and preventing talking down about myself. But as helpful as she was, the words I heard most during our 2 one hour sessions were mine. It was obvious that I had some regrets and that I wasn’t ready to shut the doors on the idea of being a mom. I still had the fears of being unfit and bringing a sweet baby into this awfully challenged world. But I wasn’t ready to call it quits just yet. There was definantly a void in my life.

I had another intense conversation with my dearest friend. She helped me organize my thoughts and feelings. She gave me the courage to confront my worries. If you knew her, you would know she pretty much gave me a kick in the butt and told me to get up, dust myself off and make things happen. That night I cried, I prayed and I made some decisions. During the next couple of days, I confronted my sweet husband with my plans. I was ready to begin the process of in-vitro. I explained that if I did not make this effort, I would regret it forever. I would never know what could have come of it. I was worried about the money, I was worried about having an unhealthy baby, and I was worried about going against Heavenly Father’s wishes. I was nervous about discussing these things with him because he already has 3 children and surely was not looking forward to starting from scratch and raising another, possibly two others.

Boy, was I wrong. He was completely supportive and has been since that day. Granted, he too is nervous about some things like losing me to childbirth or conceiving a child with a lifetime of challenges. He even mentioned something about putting his life in danger after I start a strong hormone regimen. I reassured him that I have not yet had any thoughts of harming him with a knife or pillow. I do know that we both share the concern of how I will take a negative response to the IVF process. If it does not work, I will be heartbroken, but no more so than I was after our 3^rd unsuccessful IUI. This is when my faith will need to be at its strongest.

I am grateful for the research and knowledge obtained to be able to carry out this procedure. I am grateful to my doctor, who is both kind and witty, for studying to become great at what he does. I am grateful for my supportive husband who will brave the hormone treatments. I am grateful that the kids are hopeful and excited about the prospects. I am grateful for my mom and her love and support. How could I possibly have such a strong urge to be a mom if I had not had her example all of my life? I’m grateful for my dad and the memories I have of his loving and charismatic personality. Oh how I hope my future child possesses some of his qualities! I am grateful for my Melissa, my Jennifer and my Aaron, for without them, I would not be me. My life would certainly not be complete without them. I am grateful for my friend Tammy who has shared her wisdom and her testimony in just the right way at just the right times in my life. I am grateful for my health and my ability to form thoughts and feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to come to earth to learn and grow and prove myself worthy to one day be in the presence of a kind and ever so patient and forgiving God and Savior. One day I hope to be able to embrace them and show them my love and gratitude.