It's ok to be sad.

Welp. It didn’t take. Poor nurse Ashton called this morning with report of a negative pregnancy test. I cried a little then had to get off the phone quickly before it turned into a lot. That wouldn’t have been fair to her.

I was super anxious last night into this morning. Some women voice their experiences with intuition, whether it is good or bad, about getting pregnant. I felt nothing but anxiety. No specific “feeling” about what the outcome would be. I went in to have my blood drawn at about 8:30 with hope but absolutely zero expectations. The nurse called as quickly as she got the results (at about 11:00.) My heart was immediately engulfed with a surge of sadness and it took a little bit to grasp the news, but my sweet, sweet husband was there to give me loves. I’m very glad he was there.

After about 10 minutes, I put on my game face because I needed to go back to work. When I got to work I made sure I told the one person I knew could not keep a secret. My plan worked and so far no one has come in to visit me. And it’s ok because quite frankly I don’t feel like visiting. Tomorrow I will be ready to share whatever it is they need to hear. I did call nurse Ashton back this afternoon and we had a much different phone conversation. I apologized for "leaving" her the way I did and wanted her to know that I think it's awful that she has to make these calls and that I would be just fine. I could tell it broke her heart.

The plus side… although this was not the news I wanted to hear today, it was thankfully not a call that someone I love has been injured or killed. Even as I type I acknowledge that my life has been so very blessed. I have a supportive family that loves me and wants nothing but happiness for me. Yes, I’ve spent a gosh awful amount of money and yes, I will not be holding my sweet little one in the middle of January but what bothers me so much right now is the ridiculous feeling that I’ve let down so many people that I care about. I know it’s so silly but blogs are for honesty, right?

I do not know what the future holds and I will not be making any of those decisions today and probably not even the rest of the week. I will simply let the news sinc in and maybe cry a bit more. I might even go for a really crazy long walk.

To help keep our mouths and minds clean, my mom used to tell us kids that only babies and vacuum cleaners suck. Just for today, Mom, today sucks. Tomorrow it will better because the sun will come up and the birds will sing. 

Half way there.

Today is day 6 of our 11 day wait. So far, so good. I have stopped researching everything I could possibly get my hands on about FETs and implantation. Everyone's symptoms and stories are so different, it is just not helping. I remain calm and collective but it is on my mind more often than not. I don't think or day dream of anything in particular but I do find myself wishing the time would speed up a bit. But then I make myself stop and try to enjoy the moment. Especially if we have a negative result, I want to be able to recall this time of waiting. I don't want it to be just a week of fog.

I spoke with my nurse yesterday regarding medications. I'm about to have to reorder more and wanted a good idea of how much more to order. I was told that I should look forward to another approximately 4 weeks of progesterone shots. This is not so exciting to hear but it's doable. At least it's a light at the end of the tunnel. And if I'm receiving that many shots, it means I'm pregnant! She also mentioned that if I have a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, then on May 20th, I will be 5 weeks pregnant already.

This weekend will FLY by as we are catering to Maddie and her many, many activities of choir club and ballet recitals. There is Mother's Day on Sunday and then we will get through two more days before Wednesday's blood draw. My life could change more so than I can even imagine at this time. I think I have a good grasp on what I will feel with a negative result. Been there, done that. However, I don't think I can comprehend what I might feel if I do become pregnant.

I read a blog the other day about an infertile woman's perspective of Mother's Day. She described how hard it was for her and talked about how bitter she would be. She talked about the years of pain she would suffer on this day and even shared a very sad poem. I felt sorry for her. She had not figured out that she could be a positive influence on so many! She apparently doesn't have 3 step children to give her loves and encouragment on that day. I'm tempted to send her the article I read in April's issue of the Ensign entitled My Search for Motherhood. The article was really nothing that's never been said before but it was inspiring and encouraging. I'll admit I've had strong emotions on Mother's Day for many years. But these emotions are most definately love and appreciation for all of the wonderful mothers in my life, including my own sweet momma. Any negative feelings I have are embarassment for not being able to conceive. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's all too true.

Mother's Day is just another day, but does give us an opportunity to think about and thank those women who have influenced us in a positive way. Yesterday was Nurses' Day and I received a few gifts and an amazing amount of special "birthday" wishes from our Kindergarten kiddos. Ha! They were clueless, but wanted so badly to express their excitement for me. It doesn't really matter what the wishes are and where they come from, but how I choose to let them make me feel.

Transfer Day

Let me introduce you to our two little embryos. I believe the process is to pick out the best looking out of the bunch, the ones with the most potential to implant and grow. They are also able to see cell movement and viability. We were told that these got through the freezing and thawing process perfectly and the doctor even showed us a before and after picture. In the before picture, they were compressed and it reminded me a bit of the hamburger meat I pack in the sealer to prep for freezing. Then you see the after pictures where they look plump and active. In the picture above you can kind of tell where they did a bit of "hatching" or opening the cell a bit to promote burrowing and implantation into the uterus lining. So amazing!

There is also a picture of my uterus with the embryos in it. It's not showing in this entry, but the doctor said it was a perfect placement and he's really happy with the results so far.

We had our appointment at 11:15am yesterday, Friday the 4th. Before we left, I was able to have a light breakfast, complete a couple of loads of laundry, straighten the house a bit, clean my icky bathroom sink and gather books, videos and magazines to help me get through the 2 1/2 days of bed rest. I was also to be drinking a lot of water as the doctor required a full bladder upon transfer. He wanted me to imagine that I was driving down a long stretch of highway and really needed to go to the bathroom. If I could wait for an exit to the next Denny's then that wasn't good enough. He needed me to be so full that I would stop on the side of the road and go right there and then. By the time we got done with registration at around 11:30am, I was ready to stop by the side of the road, I didn't care who saw me!! They finally called us in around 11:45am or so.

This is us after having put on our special gear. I think we will make a fine looking baby. A nurse came in for my vitals and to administer a Motrin and Valium. I think they must have checked my name and date of birth a million times while we were there. Didn't want to give us someone else's babies, huh? We waited a bit longer before Dr.Witz came in to chit chat. That's when he showed us the pictures, went over the process and asked about my bladder. It must have been very important to him! I told him to not press too hard during the scan or we would have a serious problem. I really like Dr.Witz and today he was especially pleasant to visit with. Mike asked him about the process of choosing our two embryos and asked what the odds were of having multiples at this point. I don't know where he came up with the answer but he said about 30% chance of having twins. Part of me thinks it would be nice to have the two and not have to think about going through the process again, but then there are always risks to having multiples and I'm not sure that it's worth the risk. Good thing at this point it is not my choice to make!!

Quicker than expected, I was feeling the affects of the Valium, but it was more of a dizzy and relaxed feeling. I never got sleepy. They took us to the operating room and I was glad Mike was finally able to escort me to a procedure. He was exposed to all the bright lights, machinery and sounds and did great. He was on my good side (I'm deaf in one ear) so he was able to translate what I couldn't hear the doctor saying. It seems that doctors tend to mumble when they are working so intently. Present in the room were a couple of nurses, one intern and the embryologist along with the doctor. They were all so pleasant and smiling. Even when we first walked into the office, the receptionist gave me the "all knowing" smile with a slight shrug of excitement. No words were exchanged between us, she just knew this was our special day. 

After the actual transfer, they let me go to the bathroom finally. RELIEF! Then I rested in the "recovery" room for another 20 minutes. I laid reclined on the way home and Mike has been taking care of me ever since. Bed rest is not for sissies! My back aches and I really, really want to vacuum! The nurse told me that the Prednisone I am to take for 4 days (so that my uterus doesn't reject the embryos) will make me hungry. I had not noticed... until she said something. Then I was like, "I'm starving!" Luckily, to eat, I have to ask Mike to bring me something and I hate imposing so I've refrained from all the extra treats I would have offered myself having been given the opportunity. So far I've texted my loved ones, read a book, watched two movies, talked about the future with my sweet husband, was taught the rules and got whooped at Mancala by Maddie, whooped Maddie at Connect Four (until she figured out my strategy) and came in second at a game of UNO with Maddie and Zack and have probably bugged the living heck out of my poor mother, calling her a thousand times a day. I have Chinese on my pjs, Taco Bell on my pillow, water at my bedside and two wonderful embryos in my womb. 

Now we wait 11 days to see if these embryos come to fruition. It's a sweet life. 

In case you are wondering. I am on day 7 of my progesterone shots and they are really not as bad as I thought they would be. After the first couple of days I was a bit worried as I was forming knots in my derriere. But then after the third day, my sister Melissa gave me the shot with her special technique and I've not had any problems since. I think I'm just getting used the them already. Sure I would rather not have them, but at this point it's mostly an inconvenience really. So see, once again, I fretted over nothing. Silly me.

I don't wanna!

I’m reading a book called The Complete Guide to IVF. It’s very informative, covering all of the phases of the process, different kinds of emotions and how to deal with them and it even covers topics like what’s going on with your embryos behind laboratory doors. Even though I’m about to go through the third phase, I appreciate reading over what I’ve been through and understanding it a bit more.

I just read about a woman who was having IVF and said it was as if she was ‘sitting on the sidelines’ of her life, and watching it go by. This sounds a bit like depression but I don’t think it is. I don’t feel depressed at all but, if anything, I feel hopeful. I feel calmer than I thought I would as well. I’m not chomping at the bit for the next phase to begin.

However, I feel a lack of motivation. I think it’s more of a distraction. I don’t want to go to work (get up early, yuck), I don’t want to cook dinner or even plan dinner for that matter, I don’t want to work on any projects, I don’t even want to go to sleep. I feel like I’m just existing, waiting. I’m not anxious either but my mind is so focused on what is going on in the IVF process that I have a hard time wanting to turn my attention to anything else. There really is nothing more I can do at this time but wait, so my mind tells me to do nothing while I wait. I think my mind plays tricks on me by telling me that I must put everything on hold until I become pregnant. I’m finding it very difficult to lead my normal routine these days. The constant thought that I ‘might be expecting a baby by then’ keeps me from doing all kinds of things. 

** I actually wrote this a few days ago. While it is true, it was only short lived and I am grateful for this. I don't know when or why I broke out of this funk but I did. I am back into the groove here at home. Still happy, still hopeful but also fully aware that life must go on, with positive or negative results, the show must go on. It could also be that I have a count down of 19 school days left then we get to enjoy the summer. Also, transfer is in a couple of days and who can't be excited about that!