A list to ponder.

Who knew that I would be so stressed out over my impending progesterone shots? Ugh.

Not a lot of new has been happening since I posted last. I’ve seen the doctor once and everything appears on course. I will see him again this Friday, start my shots on Sunday and transfer the next Friday. The only thing I’ve noticed different is that I shed a few more tears on occasion. And mostly during times that I wouldn’t normally get upset. For example, at work I don’t usually take negative parent conversations personally. I’m going by district policy and I state the facts. No matter how loving I can be, a parent will chew me out. I brush this off for the most part – it’s not like I’ve never verbally abused the poor messenger. But lately I’ve had to try really hard to keep the tears locked up! So I’m blaming the hormones!

During my online research, I came across a blog written by a woman who has had a heck of a time getting and staying pregnant. She has been through a number of unsuccessful IVF cycles, finally had a baby who is now 2, and is in the process of working on baby number 2. I love reading her stuff because it seems we share a lot of thoughts and feelings. Yesterday she had a blog entry titled Things Your RE Won’t Tell You and proceeded to list some things she has experienced. I loved it! I can relate to a few of these. Some things are hard to hear but the cold hard truth hurts sometimes. I thought it would be fun to share the list with some of my own comments: 

1.  IVF has NO guarantees.  Most of you think this is common sense, but for my hubby and me, we really thought that IVF was some kind of magic cure to our problems. *I’ve not had this misconception. My feelings are quite opposite and I think the possibility of having a positive IVF is surreal.

2.  You will become a druggie!  You will feel like some kind of crackhead before your cycle is over.  I remember “shooting up” in my car in a parking lot.  Trying not to let anyone see me for fear of them thinking I really was some kind of drug addict. I also had to put my needles in one of my hubby’s friend’s refrigerators….the first time I met them! *I too “used” in the car once, waiting to pick up Maddie from ballet. I wondered who would pick up Maddie if I was busted with a needle in my belly?!

3.  Your pants are going to be tight.  Between the bloating and the baseball sized knots in your butt, you may feel like you are already 5 months pregnant. *Finally broke down and bought a few pairs of pants from the Salvation Army. My scrubs won’t go over my waist and hips anymore. Boo!!!

4.  PIO sucks!!!  Progesterone in oil really sucks.  In case you were wondering why you would have “baseball size knots” in your butt…..it’s because of the progesterone shots.  These cruel shots also cause symptoms very similar to pregnancy.  Just another thing for your mind to wonder about. *And this is why I stress.

5.  Giving yourself a shot is really not that bad.  Although the shots aren’t the greatest part of an IVF cycle, they really are not bad.  Many women are very intimidated by this part of the cycle, but looking back it won’t be a big deal at all. *She is obviously speaking of the small subcutaneous shots that go in the belly. Really and truly, those weren’t that bad.

6.  Your first IVF is a “trial run”.  I hate to admit this to the newbies out there, but your first IVF cycle is really a “trial run”.  Your doctor is figuring out how your body responds to the meds, what works best for you, etc.  Don’t take me wrong….there are plenty of lucky first timers out there.  But for most of us, the consecutive cycles are typically more successful. *I’m not even going to think about this! I’m going to hope that I am super lucky. I do get a second shot at it for about half the price, but haven’t decided if I will take advantage of it. One day at a time, right?

7.  Home Pregnancy Tests are evil!!!!!!  If there is any way you can keep yourself away from HPT tests, you will be better off for it.  They are pure evil!  If you test too early you will get a negative that is not likely real, if you test later, you will expect it to be accurate.  But nothing is really final until the blood test.  Also, if you do test…..do not use a digital.  They are more expensive and much less sensitive! *I know my will power and assume at this point that I will crack and buy one to use. However, I do think I’d be better off just waiting the two weeks. I’m really bad at reading into signs and symptoms and will be crushed if I receive a false negative.

8.  You will not be allowed to have sex, lift anything, exercise……..  Ok, your RE will tell you these things ahead of time, just thought I would remind you of all the things that you will not be allowed to do. It’s really not that bad, but it can be a big adjustment.  Not all RE’s require these things, so feel lucky if yours doesn’t.  No matter what your RE requires….take it easy.  You don’t want to have any regrets. *Why is it that when I’m told I cannot exercise, it’s a killer and I’m itching to run, but when I get the go ahead, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “I’m too busy, let’s work out tomorrow.” Mike told me the other day that IVF also stands for I’m Very Frustrated. This from the mouth of a man in the middle of an in-vitro drought. Poor guy!

9.  Suddenly everyone around you will be pregnant.  Throughout your whole infertility journey, you will start to notice every pregnant person anywhere in your vicinity.  Whether it’s a friend, relative or a woman in the mall.  It will seem as if you are the only woman around that is not eating for two.  Feeling jealous or having a hard time being happy for others is normal.  Don’t feel like you are a bad person for this. *I find this most interesting. For me it’s not jealousy or unhappiness. Before I even read this, Mike and I were out on a date and in a crowd of people at a theater, when I leaned over and told him that I spot pregnant women out of nowhere. Crazy that I’m so keen to that observation right now. I even think my neighbor is pregnant although they’ve not mentioned it yet.

10.  The 2 week wait after your transfer will be the longest two weeks of your life!!  That is until you find out you are pregnant and have to wait another 2 weeks to see the heartbeat. *I am no exception to this rule.

11.  You WILL worry through the whole nine months of pregnancy.  There are many milestones that are supposed to ease your mind, but once you have gone through infertility, you will always worry.  Just try to not let the worry take away from the enjoyment of the pregnancy. *I figure it’s taken me so long to get to this point, I might as well slow down, acknowledge the validity and enjoy.

12.  The waiting room at the fertility clinic is the most awkward place.  You would think being in a room full of others like you would make someone feel more comfortable.  But for some reason talking seems to be banned from the waiting room, only looking down at your phone is permitted.  (Maybe this is just my clinic?????)  Never understood why everyone in the waiting room seems so ashamed of being there. *I’ve not experienced this, however, I do sit and wonder about everyone in the room. What point are they in their journey, do they already have a child, how long have they been trying? I’m usually in and out so quick there’s not much time for conversation. But I imagine most people are pretty private.

13.  You will either find yourself lying or telling people about your fertility problems.  Going through IVF is not something that is easy to hide.  You will either find yourself lying to your co-workers about where you are having to go so often…..or you will decide to be open about what is going on.  For us it was a lot easier to just be open.  But I understand that this is not comfortable for some people. *I tried to hide it at first simply because I didn’t want to have to explain why it did not work in the end. I’ve missed so much work I really didn’t have an option. I feel much better having so many friends and family supporting and rooting us on.

14.  You may or may not become an emotional wreck.  Yes you will be on a lot of hormones and that can wreck havoc on your body.  But not all people respond this way.  The drugs have not bothered me too much. In fact the birth control pills gave me more trouble than all the fertility drugs.  If they are messing with you, just try to remind your partner to be patient with you.  You are not always going to be yourself. *I’ve already talked about this. I think I’ve been pretty lucky thus far, but it ain’t over ‘til the bloated lady sings!

15.  The emotional aspects of IVF are much harder than any of the physical part.  Most IVF newbies are a little worried about all the physical aspects of IVF, but in all reality, the mental rollercoaster ride is the hardest thing you will have to overcome. *I definitely second that. It’s almost every day that I experience feelings of joy and excitement one minute, day dreaming of what it will be like, then the very next minute I’m thinking what in the world have I gotten myself into. There’s just way too much thinking going on in my head!

16.  All of the 15 things above will be worth it!!!!!   If you stick it out and are willing to keep working toward a baby, then all these things above will seem like nothing.  The baby you will be holding will make it all worth it.  Looking back on my own journey, all the heartache just seems like a small bump in the road.  Can’t believe after 5 years of trying our little guy is already two! *So they say. And so I hope!!