I don't wanna!

I’m reading a book called The Complete Guide to IVF. It’s very informative, covering all of the phases of the process, different kinds of emotions and how to deal with them and it even covers topics like what’s going on with your embryos behind laboratory doors. Even though I’m about to go through the third phase, I appreciate reading over what I’ve been through and understanding it a bit more.

I just read about a woman who was having IVF and said it was as if she was ‘sitting on the sidelines’ of her life, and watching it go by. This sounds a bit like depression but I don’t think it is. I don’t feel depressed at all but, if anything, I feel hopeful. I feel calmer than I thought I would as well. I’m not chomping at the bit for the next phase to begin.

However, I feel a lack of motivation. I think it’s more of a distraction. I don’t want to go to work (get up early, yuck), I don’t want to cook dinner or even plan dinner for that matter, I don’t want to work on any projects, I don’t even want to go to sleep. I feel like I’m just existing, waiting. I’m not anxious either but my mind is so focused on what is going on in the IVF process that I have a hard time wanting to turn my attention to anything else. There really is nothing more I can do at this time but wait, so my mind tells me to do nothing while I wait. I think my mind plays tricks on me by telling me that I must put everything on hold until I become pregnant. I’m finding it very difficult to lead my normal routine these days. The constant thought that I ‘might be expecting a baby by then’ keeps me from doing all kinds of things. 

** I actually wrote this a few days ago. While it is true, it was only short lived and I am grateful for this. I don't know when or why I broke out of this funk but I did. I am back into the groove here at home. Still happy, still hopeful but also fully aware that life must go on, with positive or negative results, the show must go on. It could also be that I have a count down of 19 school days left then we get to enjoy the summer. Also, transfer is in a couple of days and who can't be excited about that!