It's ok to be sad.

Welp. It didn’t take. Poor nurse Ashton called this morning with report of a negative pregnancy test. I cried a little then had to get off the phone quickly before it turned into a lot. That wouldn’t have been fair to her.

I was super anxious last night into this morning. Some women voice their experiences with intuition, whether it is good or bad, about getting pregnant. I felt nothing but anxiety. No specific “feeling” about what the outcome would be. I went in to have my blood drawn at about 8:30 with hope but absolutely zero expectations. The nurse called as quickly as she got the results (at about 11:00.) My heart was immediately engulfed with a surge of sadness and it took a little bit to grasp the news, but my sweet, sweet husband was there to give me loves. I’m very glad he was there.

After about 10 minutes, I put on my game face because I needed to go back to work. When I got to work I made sure I told the one person I knew could not keep a secret. My plan worked and so far no one has come in to visit me. And it’s ok because quite frankly I don’t feel like visiting. Tomorrow I will be ready to share whatever it is they need to hear. I did call nurse Ashton back this afternoon and we had a much different phone conversation. I apologized for "leaving" her the way I did and wanted her to know that I think it's awful that she has to make these calls and that I would be just fine. I could tell it broke her heart.

The plus side… although this was not the news I wanted to hear today, it was thankfully not a call that someone I love has been injured or killed. Even as I type I acknowledge that my life has been so very blessed. I have a supportive family that loves me and wants nothing but happiness for me. Yes, I’ve spent a gosh awful amount of money and yes, I will not be holding my sweet little one in the middle of January but what bothers me so much right now is the ridiculous feeling that I’ve let down so many people that I care about. I know it’s so silly but blogs are for honesty, right?

I do not know what the future holds and I will not be making any of those decisions today and probably not even the rest of the week. I will simply let the news sinc in and maybe cry a bit more. I might even go for a really crazy long walk.

To help keep our mouths and minds clean, my mom used to tell us kids that only babies and vacuum cleaners suck. Just for today, Mom, today sucks. Tomorrow it will better because the sun will come up and the birds will sing.